Stop the Mom Shaming!
Usually, our social media presence is full of positivity combined with real talk. Well, friends, NOT TODAY! This is a little off-brand and written with some powerful keyboard strikes behind the words. The internet got to us this time, and we want to share our feelings with you.
You see, a very sweet + loyal postpartum client of ours is in a Facebook mom group- pretty sure not local- and she saw a post that was extremely triggering for her. It started with a question from a first-time expecting mom and went something like this-
“Do I really need a postpartum doula or newborn care specialist?”
Paraphrasing here, but you get the idea. Shortly after this was posted, the mom shaming began. Keyboard warriors hit hard in the comments and doubled down when challenged. If you’re in any large Facebook mom group, you’ve seen this happen time and time again with every topic connected to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting.
Here’s the deal. YES- we run a business providing postpartum care. But dear reader...PLEASE understand that’s not why we’re so upset. We know- LIKE WE REALLY KNOW- our value. Just like everything else in life...some people need our services and others don’t. That’s the beauty of the free market! Purchase what you need and leave the rest.
So why are we so upset? Obviously this isn’t the first time we’ve seen pregnant, new, and seasoned moms go back and forth sharing their truths. But this time one of our clients was hurt by it...and that’s when our own Mama Bear claws come out.
Here are some of the responses made to the pregnant mom (not our client) asking a simple question about the need/desire for help:
“No experience with a SNOO or a night nanny here personally, but I wanted to chime in just to say, as tiring it may be, sometimes the nighttime alone with babe is the best bonding time, and you’ll miss the snuggles eventually, and honestly, it’s not that bad 💕.”
“I agree with _______~ sure it’s exhausting to be up every 2 hours, etc., but it goes by fast. By 8 weeks, our little one was sleeping a longer stretch and then up every 2 hours, and now he sleeps through the night. This is my first kiddo, and knowing that the lack of sleep only lasts about 8 weeks, I’ll cherish that time with my next kiddo instead of wondering when I’ll ever sleep again!”
“I would save that until 4 months. Truly {a] newborn isn’t so hard.”
Reply- “The four month sleep regression has been way worse than the newborn stage.”
Reply- “I skipped that, and I’m on the 6th month...look. I barely cried when I had a newborn, and I’ve cried more now.”
FULL. STOP.
Here’s what’s upsetting:
A commenter admitted to being a first-time mom. ONE baby, ONE postpartum experience, and ONE story doesn’t give anyone the right to speak in absolutes.
Drive-by snarky comments never help anyone.
A first-time pregnant mom asked this question. What good is it doing to set her up with unrealistic expectations?? We promise she will think she and/or her baby is broken at 3:00 am when both of them are crying.
On the flipside, it doesn’t do an expecting mom any good to fill her head with all gloom and doom either. That’s why we are EXTREMELY careful and intentional with what we post on our social platforms. Sometimes it’s the hard parts, other times it’s the blissful parts. Balance is key.
There are MANY more moms- all with different circumstances- who read this and felt triggered for various reasons. Maybe they are pregnant and scared? Maybe they can’t afford help? Maybe they had help and now feel a few pangs of guilt? Maybe they are struggling with infertility- primary or secondary- and this back and forth between moms feels like a waste of energy? Maybe everything is great on the home front- and they still want help?
Then there’s us- the ones in the trenches with fresh postpartum moms- and all we have to say is STFU to anyone speaking on behalf of all moms from a place of privilege.
The privilege of an easy pregnancy.
The privilege of a smooth postpartum recovery.
The privilege of no complications for mom or baby.
The privilege of health.
The privilege of no PPD/PPA.
The privilege of a fantastic maternity/paternity leave.
The privilege of sound sleep and easy feedings.
The privilege of feeling a strong bond with your baby.
We promise, if you knew a mom with a baby freshly cut from her abdomen, or one dealing with stitches from a deep 4th degree tear, you wouldn’t say a word about her needing support. So why is it that if a new mom is struggling mentally or emotionally, or a mom is gathering her tools for her postpartum tool belt, it’s okay to be completely dismissive of her experience by making judgment-laced comments about how perfect their own postpartum recovery + baby’s first few months were? It’s passive-aggressive...at best.
We will never expose the idenTity of our clients without permission, but we will share some of the HEAVY DUTY HARDSHIPS our clients have gone through:
2nd time parents, first living baby. She wanted to do everything possible to bring home a full-term healthy baby. And then she struggled with the feelings of guilt when breastfeeding + sleep issues popped up. Wasn’t she always supposed to feel thankful and blessed that she had her 2nd son in her arms? NO! She had every right to feel tired, frustrated, annoyed, overwhelmed, AND feel thankful and blessed. Both things can exist and be true together. We supported her through pregnancy + postpartum and will continue to support her for years to come. She’s now our friend...don’t mess with our friends.
2nd time mom reached out to us weeks before her due date. She had suffered through PPD/PPA with her first child, and wanted to build her support system before her 2nd baby came. Her husband is a professional athlete, which meant he would be away from home for months after the birth. She knew her boundaries, and she knew herself. We’re SO PROUD of her for reaching out and unapologetically getting the support she longed for from our team. Just because you “have it all” in some people’s eyes doesn’t mean your postpartum experience will be perfect. NOBODY- and we mean nobody- is immune to PPD/PPA.
1st time mom had a baby in the winter when everyone stayed inside. Other people in her family had easy-breezy pregnancies and postpartum recoveries…she thought the same would be true for her. It wasn’t. She had so much physical pain + emotional pain + guilt that it ate her up alive. It stole even the smallest slivers of her joy. Her baby also wasn’t easy. Some babies are simply harder than others through NO fault of anyone. We supported her during the day while she cried in frustration, slept due to exhaustion, and built up her confidence with feeding. We helped her navigate a different feeding plan, which was better for her. There was a delay in getting her the treatment she needed from a therapy standpoint- so we helped her family navigate how to get her the crisis care she needed…right when she needed it.
3rd time parents- both successful surgeons in their fields. Being parents for the 3rd time meant they KNEW what support they needed. Mom had to recover from a cesarean, figure out breastfeeding for the first time, pumping for work the third time, and navigate crazy schedules so she could love on her 3 children the way they needed to be loved on. Even though her career offers points of luxury, she knew time was a luxury she did NOT have due to her highly demanding job. Her heart was torn in thirds as she returned to work. We supported her early on in post-delivery recovery, all the way through to her transition back to work, and a couple of weeks after as she juggled surgical cases + parenting. Setting up systems and routines for the baby helped her feel like life was a bit more manageable.
1st time parents after 15 years of marriage. Both parents work together and run a successful company. They fit in an entire lifetime together before they brought home their precious little one. We supported them through a three-day labor and four months postpartum. Mom hit a roadblock at every turn after delivery, yet continued to power through. It was something else to witness! The life they had cemented was turned upside down by an itty-bitty baby. After many tears + talks, and hundreds of hours of support, this sweet family of three is THRIVING! Yes, they could’ve done it without support, but we’re thankful they didn’t have to. A couple of years later, we returned as their birth and postpartum doulas.
2nd time parents expecting surprise twins. They hired us MONTHS before their due date because they knew- they had a 4 year old at home. They needed a team in their corner during her difficult pregnancy, when their babies came early, and throughout their long + winding NICU stay. Figuring out supplemental feedings, feeding pumps, tubes, on top of juggling two preemies + a child was overwhelming for these experienced parents. The gift of sleep for this couple at night is everything to them, so they can be present and clear-headed during the day. The emotional support mom needed as she processed everything she went through to bring these babies earthside safely truly made a difference. Carrying multiples affects every single part of a woman’s body.
Stories like these ARE SOMETHING WE LIVE EVERY SINGLE WEEK. And we’re not sharing them for pats on the back.
We’re standing up for every single person who suffers/suffered from PPD/PPA- ourselves included. And we want to shine a light on the fact that some babies are simply more difficult than others. Hey, if you have a baby that sleeps through the night, feeding is perfection every single time, no upper or lower GI issues, no oral restrictions, no colic, and bonding is happening naturally, then we say YAY!!!! So happy for you...we mean it!!
AND, we also say if this is you- please take a moment to be grateful that newborn life with this baby is picture perfect because it’s not that way for MANY families.
We’re also standing up for the families who choose to hire help when everything is okay. Just like there’s been a shift in taking responsibility for our own physical health BEFORE complications pop up from unhealthy choices, so does getting help preemptively before baby arrives. You don’t have to be in a bad place to reach out + up for care and support. We love it when parents are proactive!
If you look at the real-life examples we shared, you will notice a trend…
ALL OF THE 2nd & 3rd TIME PARENTS ASKED FOR HELP BEFORE THEIR BABY WAS BORN!
They KNEW what to expect this time around because they’d done it before. And they knew- even if everything was “perfect”- that they still wanted professional in-home care no matter what. If you’re one of those people searching for asspats from strangers on an online mom group, or playing the game of one-upping another mom, then please stop. Pause a minute and ask, “Is this comment helpful?” If the only person a comment is helping is you, then NO. The answer is, in fact, NOT helpful.
So what’s the right answer when a parent asks, “Do I need help after my baby is here?”
It’s this.
“Every family, birth experience, postpartum recovery, and baby is different. If you’re unsure now and want to wait until your baby is here, I encourage you to research and interview the potential services in your area before birth. Then, if you need the extra help down the road, it’s a quick process getting the help you desire.”
This wording can be interchanged with any birth & postpartum subject. Preparation is key. Always.